Growth is Not a Linear

I am eating my feelings with a failed oat milk chocolate pudding. There's some on my face, but at least I managed to keep my white shirt clean. I can't stop thinking that I've been sabotaging myself or at least being too afraid to change. Change or personal growth doesn't magically happen when or the ways in which I want it to. The way to guide it has proven to be wanting it uncompromisingly and fearlessly maintaining awareness. I need to stop writing as if I'm talking to someone else and not my deepest most honest self. I want to change for the better. I want to be fulfilled. I want to be happy, but I'm still trying to figure out what that looks like.